Owning My Taste For Films

I’m delighted to see that at least one of my New Year’s resolutions has lasted up to this day. 😊 At the beginning of this year, I made a commitment to write about the films I’ve seen. Primarily because, if I don’t do that, after a week or so, they vanish from my mind as if I’ve never watched them. Jung’s quote stating that it’s alright not to remember what we consume, as they become part of our subconscious mind nonetheless, wasn’t sufficient to reassure me anymore. So here we are.

However, there is also another reason for this quest: To own my taste for films without feeling any shame. And I must tell you; it’s been a quite journey to come to that point for me.

During my university years in Turkey, while I appreciated being introduced to cinema gods like Godard, Fellini, and Tarkovsky, I also felt uneasy. I understood the aim was to expose us to “real cinema,” but I found this approach somewhat stifling, to be honest. The standards were exceedingly high, not necessarily encouraging to explore one’s own creativity. I guess the overwhelming reverence didn’t leave space for much else. It probably didn’t help that I already had a mix of fear of failure and perfectionism running high through my veins too. So, I felt I needed a more pragmatic approach to all this madness. That’s why I embraced studying in the U.S. with open arms. 🙂

However, once I got there to study screenwriting, it didn’t entirely feel right. I was like, “Yeah, I like commercial stuff, but I suppose not THAT much.” And to be honest, I was quite astonished by the allergic reaction Americans generally show to “subtitled movies”. 😊

Yet, you can’t come to the U.S. and find the experience “way too American”. Or can you? Thankfully, after the initial shock, I found a way to put my foot in San Francisco Film Society as a media intern. They have been organizing the San Francisco International Film Festival and they were swimming in the waters that I love to be in. I was going there for two days in a week and after finishing my “very important” task of organizing old newspaper clippings in the archive, I would dive into the DVDs that were sent to them from all around the globe. I had a chance to watch many interesting films there whether they would be shown in the festival or not. It would be fair to say it was a refreshing experience after watching a zombie movie for the class. 🙂

Later, I discovered Global Film Initiative which was even better. I felt very connected to their mission. Because they were funding films from third world countries like mine. And while I was still an intern, at least this time I was a script reader. I found reading scripts that were not yet produced quite exciting. (Well, I didn’t know I would deal with mostly unproduced scripts later in life. 😊) And they graciously lent me DVDs of the films they distribute in the U.S. But then again, if I came across something too experimental, too serious, or too absurd for my own taste there, I would run to home to binge-watch Friends or Grey’s Anatomy just to balance things out. 😊

Over the years, there have been times when I’ve felt like I tend to swim in shallow waters. But there have also been times when I’ve felt that my craving for more depth in stories is impractical and almost self-sabotaging, as if I were overcomplicating things for my own good. 

I still feel those pulls from different directions, and I’m totally fine with it now. I realize, those categories are not as rigid as I initially thought. But most important of all, now I know deep down: I’m not here to judge but to experience everything truly.

P.S. : Even though I had the chance to watch many films at the San Francisco International Film Festival that year, thanks to my free pass as an intern, somehow I really remember only one of them: “I Served the King of England”. I’ve already told you; my memory is a bit fumbling. 😊